


Who Are You Again?

by TheKidFromYesterday



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Dan Howell - Freeform, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I should know by now, M/M, Phil Lester - Freeform, also sad, fluff!, much fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-04-23 07:02:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4867595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKidFromYesterday/pseuds/TheKidFromYesterday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan wakes up with no memory of where he is, why he's there and who that very cute guy is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who the heck is Phil?

When I wake up, I see a room that I’ve never seen before in my life.   
I’m about to close my eyes before I realize, and sit up in the unfamiliar bed.  
It’s not my room, I’ve never seen this place before, but it’s oddly familiar.   
The first thing that goes through my mind is that I had way too much to drink before bed and don’t remember where I ended up, but I should have at least remembered something about last night. I scramble out of bed, trying not to make too much noise and am relieved to find that my jeans are nearby, balanced on a chair with an unfamiliar shirt as well. I try to remember what happened last night but nothing comes to mind. Actually, the last thing that I remember is meeting with my brother at the library, but I should have been able to remember further than that.   
As I leave the room I glance into the room down the hall, noticing the cracked open door. Peeking in, I see a man, lying sprawled under the sheets. He has dark hair, maybe a brown or black and a socked foot sticks out from under the blankets.  
I’ve never seen this man before, but his face looks oddly familiar.   
I shake my head as I make my way through the house, finally finding the front door. Glancing over at the table near the door I see my jacket and I breathe a sigh of relief as I grab it, pulling it around me and shoving out the door.  
I wander around the neighborhood, trying to think about what was going on. I’m near panicking; I have no idea where I am or who that was and I don’t recognize the streets the sprawl around me.   
A thick gust of wind hits me and I shove my fists down in my pockets, surprised to find them full. There’s a set of keys, a cell phone, and a folded up scrap of paper, which is what I focus on. I unfold it, recognizing my own handwriting on the sheet.  
Maybe drunk me wrote hungover me a letter.  
Dan,  
This is going to sound crazy, so you might want to sit down. You don’t remember it, but you have a sort of amnesia. There was an accident a year back and you’ve missed out on an entire two years worth of memories. I only found this out this morning too.   
That man back at home was Phil. He’s your boyfriend. You can trust him to answer your questions, he knows what’s going on.  
If you grabbed the right jacket and Phil remembered to put your phone in the pocket then you can also call your doctor. In case you happen to lose the phone, then then number is (xxx)xxx-xxxx. He can answer questions too.  
Try not to freak out, I know this is a lot to take in. Try to get back to Phil, he should be waiting for you.

I hold the paper in my shaking hands, almost afraid I’ll rip it.  
Amnesia?  
Boyfriend?  
Two years of memories?  
I can’t move, I can’t make my feet move.   
Not that I know where to go.   
Home?  
I don’t know how long I sit there on that park bench, hours maybe, perhaps only minutes before I decide.   
Home.  
I somehow find my way back to the tiny house that I woke up in. My house. The key fits in the lock and I slowly enter. I’m terrified, and I can feel my hands shaking as I walk down the hallway, phone and keys gripped in my fist.   
“Dan?” I hear a voice, probably Phil in the hall. “You back?”  
I see him coming towards me with a little smile on his face.   
“Morning!” He says cheerfully, “Come on I’ll make you breakfast.” He goes off to where I assume the kitchen is, gesturing at me to follow. If he is my boyfriend, he certainly doesn’t seem to be the type. His cheerful demeanor is exactly the opposite of my attitude, and he seems…colorful almost, while I’m made up of blacks and grays.  
He sits me down at one of the chairs at the table, lighting up the stove. I’m silent, just watching him expertly crack eggs in the pan single handedly and he glances up to see me staring.  
“So? Questions?” He says, like he’s expecting it.  
“Who…who are you?” I ask him, and I see his smile fade a bit.   
“Did you read your letter? Ah never mind. I’m Phil.” He holds out a hand to shake mine and I do, hesitantly.   
“A-and you’re my…boyfriend?”  
He chuckles. “Yeah, you could say that. You were out longer than usual today. You’re usually back in about an hour.”  
“Wait, usually?”  
He smiles a soft smile, setting down a plate of eggs in front of me and sitting in the chair opposite. “Yeah. You always run off in the mornings when you wake up. Almost every day this year I think.”  
“And the thing that I read—”  
“So you did read it.”  
“It said I had…amnesia?”  
He nods. “A few years back you got in a car accident. It was major and you hurt your head pretty bad. You lost two years worth of memories so you…forgot about me.” He glances down at the table top, his smile seeming forced. “But every day I get to tell you about me and it’s like we get to meet all over again each time you wake up.”   
He says it like it’s a good thing but I see the pain in his eyes.   
“Do I love you?” I manage out, immediately regretting it. “I—I mean—”  
Phil’s face breaks into a grin and I can tell this is his favorite question of the morning. “I sure hope so.”  
“You said I run away every morning,” I begin, and he nods. “What if I don’t come back?”  
“You always do.” He reaches out and puts a hand on my arm. “It’s been over a year now and you’ve never once stayed away.” He shoots a little smile at me over the table. “You’re acting a lot calmer about this today. Usually by now you’re in a panic.”  
I am.  
Inside, I’m screaming at myself, screaming at him, trying to make sense of this whole thing, trying to wrap my head around this impossible idea.   
I shrug. “Maybe I’m getting used to this.”  
He watches me for a second, not believing me but not calling me on it. “Right. You hungry?”  
“Not really.”  
“Do you have more questions?”  
“Hundreds.”  
He smiles, and gets up, grabbing my hand and leading me towards what I assume is the living room. The couches are low and comfortable and he pulls me down next to him.   
Normally, I feel like I would panic at this. He’s so confidant that I want to be with him, that it’s actually reassuring. He must know me better than anyone, I think, and he knows it. He’s probably been through every single possible reaction when I wake up, so he almost knows what I’m going to do.   
“Tell me everything?” I ask him, and he happily complies. He hasn’t let go of my hand and I don’t move away as he tells me my own story.  
“What was the last thing you remember?” He asks me, and I strain to think back to my last memory.  
“I was…in a bookstore? A library? There were books and I was meeting up with my brother…” As much as I push myself, I can’t think anywhere past that memory, like I had blinked in the bookstore and suddenly I had woken up here.  
Daniel nods, looking slightly disappointed. “Right. Same as usual. There were two years after that that you missed out on, where you um, met me.” He looks hurt, and I almost feel bad for losing my memory of him. “We were together for two years and then there was the accident. You woke up and you didn’t have any idea who I was.” He doesn’t meet my eyes and I squeeze his hand.   
“After that, you’ve been living here with me for the past year. Every morning is basically like this one.”  
I don’t know what to say, he seems to have said it all. Instead of attacking him with my inner panic, I settle for one word. “Why?”  
“Why what?” He says, but I know he probably already knows what I’m talking about.   
“Why do you still take care of me? I don’t even know you anymore, and it can’t be easy living with someone who’s so mentally screwed up!” The words come out harsher than I mean them to, and he winces, but gives me a sad smile that seems so practiced.  
“Because I love you.” Is all he says, and he seems to think it’s enough of a reason.   
Maybe it is.  
“But you don’t know if I love you back!” My voice begs at him, and he brings our joined hands up and kisses my knuckles.   
“Do you?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe.”  
“That’s enough for me.” He smiles.  
“I…I have a question.” I say, and he nods.  
“Hit me.”  
“How many days…I mean, how long have I been like this?” I ask him, and his smile drops a little.   
“335 days now.” His smile is so sad as he looks at me, I debate on hugging him. “335 days, but you’re getting better. A few weeks ago you couldn’t even remember the bookstore.”  
“How long ago was the bookstore?” I ask him, terrified for the answer.  
Phil hesitates, then glances up at me through his eyelashes. “Almost three years ago.”


	2. A Ring?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finds out more about what happened to him

“Almost three years ago.”

I close my eyes, nodding and pulling in a breath. This can’t be happening. This is just a bad dream. I’m going to wake up, away from this stranger and back with my family and…and……  
I feel arms circle around me and immediately I lean into them. He’s strong, holding me against him and letting me cling to him like a lifeline as I sob into his shirt.  
“Shhh. I know it’s hard.” He whispers into my hair, “You’re okay, just let it out. I got you.”  
His words break me, and I wonder how many times he’s done this, holding me while I have to deal with the exact same thing over and over again. My shoulders wrack with sobs and he gathers me to his chest, leaning back against the couch so that I’m basically curled up on his chest. He feels safe and familiar and I slowly calm down, breathing him in.  
Leaning back, I don’t meet his eyes, instead choosing to study my hands that lean on his chest.  
“You okay?”  
I nod. “Yeah I—-can I….?” I swallow, “Can I call my parents?”  
Phil hesitates, then reaches over the side of the couch to grab his phone. “Of course.” He dials and hands the phone to me. “Do you want me to..?” he gestures towards the door, and I nod.  
He understands, and gets up, pressing a kiss to my forehead before he leaves.  
The ringing feels like it takes forever and by the time my mom picks up, I’m ready to tear my hair out.  
“Hello Phil dear, how—”  
It feels so reassuring to hear her voice that I barely choke back a sob. “Mom.”  
“Daniel? Oh sweetie, hi! How are you? You normally call on your phone…”  
“Mom I don’t know what’s going on. What happened, who’s Phil, where are you?” My voice cuts off and I hear a small sigh.  
“Ohh sweetie, did you not talk to him today?”  
“No I did. Who is he? Where are you? Why can’t I—”  
“Sweetie, he’s telling the truth. You can trust him.” Her words sound so practiced. “He told you about the accident?”  
I nod, before remembering that she can’t seem me and manage out a, “Yeah.”  
“Okay. You’re okay honey.” She assures me, “He knows what he’s doing. You can trust him. I know this is hard for you, but he’ll take care of you. Okay?”  
“I just want to be back with you and dad.” I say and I hear her suck in a breath.  
“No, no sweetie stay there. Phil will take care of you. Maybe you can come visit next weekend.”  
I wonder how many times she’s said that to me.  
Eventually I calm down, and she tells me what happened in better detail before saying that she has to go to work.

 

I had moved in with Phil almost two years ago. When the accident happened, everyone expected me to go live with my parents, but Phil had volunteered to take care of me. The accident was a hit and run, so no one knows who did this to me, and the doctors don’t know when I’ll get my memories back.  
Part of me thinks maybe I never will, but my mom had sounded hopeful when she had told me so I guess I can’t eliminate the fact that I won’t..  
After she hangs up, I drop the phone down on the couch next to me and wait for Phil to come back. I don’t want to believe everything that I’ve been told, but there really is no other explanation.  
“Dan?” Phil pokes his head through the door, shooting me a smile, “I need to head down to the market real quick. Do you want to come or are you going to stay here?”  
I shake my head, “No, I’ll stay here. When will…” I don’t want to be desperate, but I don’t want to be alone if I don’t have to.  
He smiles, “I’ll be back in like, 10-15 minutes. Don’t worry.”  
“Okay.”  
“It’s okay sweetie.” He says, “You’ll get through this. You have for the past year.” He tries at humor, but I don’t laugh.  
I hear him grabbing a jacket and keys, pulling the door open and closing it with a slam.  
Suddenly I’m gripped with a feeling of terror, and I get up, pacing quickly around the lounge, trying to take in every tiny detail of the room. It’s decorated in a way that makes you feel at home, even though I have no memory of being here before. There’s plushies and knick knacks covering almost every flat surface and there’s a Muse poster hanging above the couch. There are a few picture on the mantle and bookcase, documenting a smiling couple that I recognize as me and Phil. Eventually, I branch out my pacing and explore the rest of the house. There’s a bedroom that obviously used to be for two, a double dresser and a huge king bed in the corner that’s covered in a bright, green and blue duvet. It looks like it was decorated by two people who had different interests but somehow it works. One half of the dresser is a lot more used than the other, and the bed is neatly made on one half but messily on the other.  
As I explore more, I find another bedroom. It’s a lot less decorated than the other and there’s only a twin bed in it. The decorations are different, showing more of my style with a dark bedspread, a piano and some dusty tripods in the corner. It’s the room I woke up in and I wonder if I had asked for this instead of sharing a bed with Daniel. It must’ve hurt him so much when I asked.  
I go back to his room, feeling bad, but not bad enough to stop myself from digging through his things to find some sort of clue to help me out.  
Finally, after riffling through a bunch of useless junk and plushies, I find a box full of what look like just a bunch of papers but at the bottom…  
A ring.  
I pick it up, rolling it between my fingers as I try to remember it. There’s a faint memory of it, but nothing that I can hold on to.  
Underneath it, I pick out another piece of paper, a handwritten note. I unfold it gently, careful not to rip the old paper as I read it.

Dan,  
We’ve known each other for years now, and I can honestly say that I can’t imagine life without you. Would you make me the happiest man in the world and do me the honor of being my husband?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!!  
> Comments and kudos are welcome, your feedback never fails to make me happy :)


	3. Why Do You Love Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan questions as to why Phil still sticks around

Dan,   
We’ve known each other for years now, and I can honestly say that I can’t imagine life without you. Would you make me the happiest man in the world and do me the honor of being my husband?

I stare at the letter for a long time, re-reading the words over and over again.   
Phil was going to propose?  
I would give so much just to be able to remember those two years with him. I’m so focused on the letter that I don’t even notice him standing in the doorway until he speaks.  
“I see you found the ring.” He says, and I jump, turning around.  
“Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to pry—”  
“No, no it’s fine.” He smiles sadly at me, crossing the room to kneel next to me. “It is yours after all.”  
“What do you mean?” I ask him, and he gently takes it from my hand, studying it like he’s never seen it before.   
“I asked you to marry me a few weeks before the accident.” He says, and I feel my heart shatter.  
He wasn’t going to propose, he already did.  
“Why don’t I have the ring on then?” I ask him, and he glances at the carpet.   
“You didn’t….You didn’t want it.” He says. “You’d take it off every morning since the accident and I always gave it back to you at the end of the day if you wanted it.” He blinks hard, but there’s no tears on his face. “One evening I didn’t give it back because I thought, maybe. Maybe you’d ask about it in the morning because it was so constant…You never did and I didn’t give it back after that.”   
“I’m so sorry.” I whisper to him, and he shakes his head.   
“It’s okay. It’s not really your fault, you were just scared. And I shouldn’t have thought that you’d remember it if you didn’t even….”  
I tentatively put a hand on his shoulder, “If I didn’t even remember you?”  
He nods. “Yeah.”  
We sit in silence for a few minutes, both lost in our thoughts. One distracted by memories, the other distracted by the lack of them.  
Finally, he stirs, standing up and holding a hand out to help me as well. “Right. It’s still the middle of the day, so do you want to do something? I have video games and movies, or we could just talk if you’d like.”  
I stand, still holding the ring in my hand. “I still kind of have questions.”  
Phil smiles. “Okay. Let’s go to the lounge, yeah?”  
I nod, and he gestures to the ring. “You could hold on to that if you’d like.”  
I nod again, slipping it on and off of my pointer finger. “Okay.”  
We sit in the lounge, almost uncomfortably close, with me still sliding the ring on and off my finger.  
“What do you want to know?” Phil asks. His eyes are kind and loving, the sort of thing you’d want to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life.   
I suck in a deep breath, “Tell me again why you still tolerate me.”  
He frowns, tilting his head to one side. “Sorry?”  
“Why are you still here? Why did you offer to take care of me when I could have easily gone to live with my parents and you wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. It can’t be fun waking up to the person you love not even remembering your name, much less that he loves you. Why do you put yourself through this when you don’t need to?” Everything comes out in a rush, but I don’t understand how he can still love me.   
Phil looks sad for a moment, then reaches up to push my hair back, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “I don’t need a reason for wanting to stay with the person I love more than anything else in the world.”  
“But what if the person doesn’t love you back?” I plead with him, “What if one day, I wake up and don’t come back home and I don’t love you and you never see me again? Why do you let the possibility of me hating you happen?”  
“Because I know you won’t. When you woke up, you felt alone, right? Lost?”  
I nod.  
“When you feel lost, you always come back to find me.” He says simply, “You always have after that party. You must have remembered at least that to always come home to me.”   
“What party?” I question, and he smiles slightly before beginning the story.  
“It was a few weeks after we had met. We were already pretty close and to be honest, I already knew that I had fallen for you.” His smile grows. “We were at a friends house for a party and there was this guy harassing you. He was pretty big, so you had a right to be scared. You ran and found me because I was the closest person there and I guess you must have kind of trusted me, you know?. You had a sort of panic attack and I told you that if you ever felt scared or lost, always come to find me. Because I would always be there for you and I would always help you find yourself again.” He holds my hand in his, gently brushing his thumb over my knuckles.   
I nod slowly, trying to take it all in. “And I believed you.”  
He shrugs, “Apparently you did. Some mornings you can sort of remember that. You’ll tell me that you were lost so you came to find me, without even having to read your letter to yourself.” By watching his expression, I can tell that those are his favorite mornings.  
“Why can’t I remember today?"  
"I dunno. But you remembered to look for the ring today. You’ve only done that a few times before.”  
I glance down at my hand, twisting the ring between my fingers, trying to remember more than just a vague idea of it. I try to imagine Phil, down on one knee, ring in hand, asking me to be his. I try to imagine my reaction, his reaction-—I try to remember how much I loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's reading this, I hope you're enjoying it so far!! Your kudos never fail to make me smile, so thanks!! :)


	4. Phil is not on Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil tells Dan what he does for a living

“I think I do love you.” I say, quietly, and not sure if he heard me or not. Apparently he does, and he kisses my fingers, still grasped in his hand.  
“That’s always good to hear.”  
I probably don’t say it every day then. I make a mental note to say it more often before I remember that I can’t.  
“Phil?”  
He raises his eyebrows, “Hm?”  
“This isn’t fair.” The words sound petulant and childlike, but it’s true. It’s not fair that I don’t get to keep my memories, that I don’t get to remember loving someone as amazing as Phil.   
“I know sweetie.” He sighs, gently placing a hand to my cheek, “I know it’s not.”  
“What happens when I lose my memories of the day?” I ask, my voice small. “Do I suddenly forget who you are even if I’m looking right at you?” I’m suddenly terrified at that thought, and I almost want to close my eyes before it happens so I don’t have to see the hurt in Phil’s eyes as I ask who he is.  
He shakes his head though, “No, it happens slowly. Right now, you remember waking up right? Walking around outside, reading the note, meeting me?”  
I nod.  
“As you get farther away from those memories, they’ll start to fade. Does that make sense?”   
I hesitate, “Not really.”  
“So when the day goes on, the things that happen in the mornings don’t seem so vivid anymore. They start to fade away and eventually disappear completely.” He gently tucks some stray curls away from my face.   
I remember straightening my hair normally, but that was three years ago. Maybe I’ve stopped straightening it now.   
“How long do I have until they start to fade?” I don’t want to forget, I don’t want the memories to disappear but I don’t know how to stop them.  
“You’ll be okay. They usually start to fade when we’re going to bed. But when you wake up, it’ll be like this morning all over again.” He sounds sad, and I feel terrible for what I’m doing to him. Playing with his heart in the evenings when I know who he is but flinching away from him when I wake up.  
“Oh. Okay.”  
Phil sighs, “I know it’s hard sweetie, but it’ll be okay.”  
I nod, scrubbing at my face to hide the tears that start to form, “Yeah." I don't trust myself to say anything else so I stay quiet, focusing on my hand in his.   
"Do you have more questions?" He asks gently, and I shake my head. I don't think I want to know any more in fear that it'll only hurt the both of us more.   
"I just want to think for a bit."  
Phil nods, "Do you want me to leave you alone--"  
"No!" The words are rushed and I wince at the panicked sound. "I mean if you want, you don't have to."  
His small smile is back, "I'll stay with you then."  
I nod, feeling relieved as he gently puts an arm around my shoulders. I curl to his side, knotting my hands in his shirt and resting my head on his chest. I feel his heartbeat and focus on timing my breaths to it to calm down.   
Part of my brain is screaming at me to run. Run far away from this man and find something or someone that actually makes sense but I also know that I can’t. I won’t find anyone who can explain this to me, or anyone who would believe me, other than Phil and my parents.  
I swallow, tightening my grip on his shirt and he presses a kiss to my temple.   
How does he ever have time to do anything on his own? If he’s always taking care of me or making sure I don’t run away, how does he ever have time to live his own life or do his job?  
“Phil?”  
“Yeah?”  
“What do you do? For work?” I ask, genuinely curious.  
I hear the smile in his voice as he answers. “I make Youtube videos. Did you see the tripods in your room?”   
I nod.  
“I make videos and post them on Youtube so I can stay at home with you if I need to and I still get paid a good sum of money. Also, it’s something I really do love doing.”  
“Oh.” I feel bad that he has to revolve his job around taking care of me. “I’m sorry.”  
His fingers dance on my arm, tapping out some random rhythm. “Why are you sorry, Bear?”  
I hesitate at the nickname, “It’s just that you’ve totally changed your life to accommodate me and I don’t help out at all. You probably have to pay for both of us to live here and you have to pay for food and anything to take care of me. You probably don’t go out a whole lot because what if I hurt myself. Why did you give everything up for me? I know you’ll say it’s because you love me but how can anyone love someone enough to give up everything for them?”  
"I don't know. I only know that I do."  
I'm not satisfied with his response, but I don't think he actually has an answer, even after all these years.   
I think back to what he said about the tripods in my room, but when I saw them this morning, they were covered in dust.   
"Phil?" I honestly love saying his name, even though I barely know him.   
"Yes, Love?"  
"You said you made videos with those tripods, but they were all dusty when I saw them. They hadn't been used in years."  
He hesitates at my question, then sighs. "They haven't, no." He continues tapping his fingers in my arm as he continues. "Those haven't at least. The one that I use is in the closet in the hall. The ones you saw in your room were yours."  
I shake my head. "Why would I use those?"  
"You used to make videos as well, Bear. A few years ago. You were pretty popular too, had a few million subscribers."  
Trying to process what he's saying, I end up holding a breath that I don't notice until Phil taps my arm.  
"Breathe sweetie."  
I nod, letting out my breath. "I made YouTube videos too?"  
"Mhm." He kisses my hair.   
"Can I see them? Can I see old me?" I wonder why Phil didn't mention this before. I could have gotten an idea on who I used to be and maybe it could jog a few memories in the process.   
"Of course." Phil leans over the side of the couch, moving away from me for a second and grabbing a sticker covered MacBook. He pulls up YouTube and types in Danisnotonfire in to the search, resulting in hundreds of videos appearing. The thumbnails show me, younger me, and Phil, laughing and playing video games and looking totally in love.  
He opens up one called Phil is not on Fire, showing me and him looking way younger and a whole lot happier than we do now.   
The video starts and I watch, engrossed in it as our video selves shoot rapid fire questions as each other, the answers getting more and more ridiculous. What hits me the most though, is how easy we are with each other, laughing and drawing cat whiskers on each other's faces. We laugh and joke, so content with the others presence and it hurts to watch. Somehow, all of this was stolen from us, and Phil is the only one who can remember it.   
I reach out, hitting the spacebar and pausing the video, gently closing the laptop. I don't want to watch any more, I don't want to see how happy we used to be, I don't want to see me before I shattered.   
Phil trails his fingers softly through my hair, moving the laptop away from us, not speaking.   
I know I have no reason to, but I feel like it's my fault for stealing all of that from Phil. It wasn't my fault that the accident happened, but I can't help feeling guilty.   
"We were so happy." I whisper, not meeting his eyes.   
"Yeah." His voice is quiet too, "Yeah we were."  
"I'm sorry I took that away from you."  
Phil's fingers stop pushing through my hair, and he pulls away for a second, making me regret opening my mouth.   
"No. No, Bear, it's not your fault. Don't be sorry, it wasn't your fault." His eyes are wide, sad, which only makes me feel worse. "You never have to apologize to me. Okay?"  
I nod, curling closer to his side.   
I hate not knowing anything. I hate feeling like a fucking mental cripple. I hate not being able to love Phil back, the way he loves me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Every one of your kudos makes me smile :)  
> I hope you guys are enjoying this so far, I'm having so much fun writing this!


	5. I've Missed It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finds his old piano

Eventually, my stomach growls and I'm forced to realize that I haven't eaten since breakfast.  
"Food, right!" Phil exclaims, getting up from the couch and helping me as well. "What do you want? We could look at what we have here or we could order take away?"  
I shrug, crossing my arms over my chest and suddenly feeling like I'm a guest at his house and he's simply being a good host. "I don't really care. I'm good with anything."  
"Take away it is. We haven't had that in a while." He hums to himself as he grabs his phone, quickly dialing and shooting me a smile as he orders.  
When he hangs up, he comes over to me, kissing my forehead. "I'm going to be upstairs editing a video from yesterday. You can either find something to do down here or be up there with me. Just be sure that you're not doing nothing. It's not healthy to do nothing all day, even in a case like yours."  
"Okay." I try to smile at him but it feels fake and he can see it. "Um, I'll be around down here I guess. Read a book or something."  
Phil nods, smiling widely. "Alright. We'll head out in a bit to go get the food, okay?"  
"Okay."  
He heads upstairs, and I'm left alone again, wondering what to do. Despite being here all day, I still don't know my way around the house and take it upon myself to explore a bit. This time around, I pay more attention to the little details that fill the house.  
There's a few cat stickers scattered throughout the house, on the piano or on a picture frame, and a couple of furbies sitting together on a window ledge. There's random plushies and action figures sitting on pretty much any open space, from shows and movies that I don't recognize. I test out the piano in my room, wincing at the slight off key sound but sitting down in front of it anyway.  
Tentatively, my hands settle over the keys and press down, filling the room with soft chords. I slowly move into playing the Moonlight Sonata, my fingers clumsy and unsure but I shove forward, determined to play the whole thing. It feels like I haven't played in years, although for all I know I could have played yesterday.  
As the song progresses, my fingers become more sure, playing louder and stronger, getting lost in the music. It's captivating, driving away my thoughts and fears for a little bit and I close my eyes, mindlessly nodding along to the music.  
The song comes to a close and I open my eyes, half expecting to be back home with my cheap piano in my tiny bedroom but I'm still here. Still in Phil's house, still feeling alone, still lost.  
Standing abruptly, I leave the piano behind, closing the door behind me as I search the living room for a book to read. I grab some Stephen King book from the shelf, not bothering to check the title as I head upstairs to find Phil. Thankfully, I find the office easily, tapping lightly on the door before letting myself in.  
Playing the piano had felt different. It made me feel more at home here for a second, almost like there was a memory of playing this piano and it was sitting just out of reach, and I wonder if Phil could maybe help me find it.  
Phil smiles at me from the computer chair as I walk in, nodding to the book in my hand. "That one's good."  
His eyes are shining with what looks like unshed tears, and he's trying to hide it by turning away to look back at the computer screen.  
"Phil? What's wrong?" I sit down on the couch behind him, suddenly worried. "Are you okay?"  
He shakes his head, smiling as he turns the chair around to face me. "I haven't heard you play in so long." His smile grows but it still looks so sad. "I just...I've missed it."  
"Oh." I tap my fingers on the edge of the couch, unsure of what to say. "How long has it been?"  
He shrugs, "I don't remember you playing it since the accident." He swipes at his eyes, glancing up at the light in an attempt to stop the tears before they start. "At first I couldn't believe you were playing again. I was about to go downstairs but I thought you'd stop if I went down there." He laughs a little, still smiling, and I reach out to take his hand in mine.  
"I'm sorry I haven't played before."  
He shakes his head. "Don't apologize, Bear. It just made me really happy to hear it again after so long."  
I spend the next hour reading my book as Phil works on his video, neither of us saying anything but still comforted by the others presence. I don't retain anything that happens in the book, my eyes skating over the words but my mind still lost in thought.  
I decide to start leaving notes for myself tomorrow, telling myself to play the piano, or to tell Phil that I love him. I want more than anything to wake up tomorrow and remember today, but if it hasn't happened in two years, why would it happen tomorrow?  
"Dan?"  
My thoughts are cut off by Phil's voice, and I glance up at him over my book. "Huh?"  
"Do you want to watch the video before it goes up? You used to like to watch them before anyone else saw them."  
I nod, climbing over to his seat and kneeling on the carpet by his side.  
He starts the video and I try to focus. He sounds so happy in his video, rambling on about a dog that he saw the other day, or some weird lady he say next to on the tube. On screen Phil seems so carefree and happy, and I watch real Phil during the video as well. His eyes are lit up and he has a genuine smile on his face and I'm starting to see why I fell in love with him all those years ago.  
When the video ends, I smile, telling him truthfully that I loved it.  
He posts the video, then suggests we go down to pick up our food. This time, I agree to go with him and my answer seems to make him happier.  
As we pull on jackets, I notice the one Phil pulls on looks vaguely familiar and I get the feeling that it's mine, but I don't say anything to him about it. Phil leads the way out of the apartment, leading me down the now, sort of familiar streets..  
It's cold outside, and the chilly wind bites through me despite the jacket covering me and I pul it closer. I pull my hands in to my sleeves, creating makeshift mittens with my long sleeves and Phil laughs when he sees them.  
"Sweater paws." He says, grabbing one of my hands in his, "So cute."  
I blush, but I can't help but feel overwhelmingly happy as he brings our hands up to his lips for a quick kiss before dropping them and swinging them between us.  
The walk to the restaurant isn't far, but the hurried people rushing against us paired with the biting wind makes the journey seem longer than it actually is. The streets are crowded with people, trying to finish up their shopping lists before it gets much colder, and I envy each one.  
So busy with their lives, but taking for granted all the little things. Not having to worry about the next day, not having to be terrified that they won't remember day in the slightest.  
By the time we get to the restaurant, Phil's nose is pink and I fight down the urge to kiss it.  
It's not like it would be wrong if I did, as he's technically my boyfriend but I would still feel a bit weird.  
We pick up the food, waiting around in the warm heat of the restaurant a little longer to see if maybe the weather would get better, but seeing as it doesn't, we set off again.  
I find myself smiling for no reason as we walk home. Maybe it's Phil's warm hand in mine, or the thought of food, or maybe the slight hope that I'll remember this tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! I hope you all enjoyed it, sorry it was so short!


	6. I don't want to forget you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan questions Phil on how he loses his memories.

We eat our food on the couch, half watching some anime and pretending like everything's normal.   
Every once in awhile, Phil will glance over at me, smiling and loving and I return it. I'm happy right now, but in a few hours, everything that happened today will be gone from my memory and there's nothing I can do to stop it.   
No. Don't think about that right now.  
I burrow closer to Phil's side, as if hiding from the thought will make everything better.   
"You okay love?" He whispers, turning his head towards me.   
I nod, not trusting myself to speak but daring to give him a smile.   
"Good." I don't think he believes me, but he doesn't push any further.   
We spend most of the day doing nothing, watching anime and cuddling with a few occasional tears.   
I’m terrified, and even though I don’t put my fear into words, he sees it and comforts me. Somehow, it helps to know that he knows what he’s doing.   
He’s been through this before. He’s probably been through this exact reaction from me and has learned how to deal with it, while here I am, experiencing this for the first time. I won’t even know who he is tomorrow, and the thought scares me more than I think it should.   
I wonder if every day is this hard. I watch the sun slowly set over the London skyline, too scared to ask Phil when my memories will disappear, but I don’t want to be clueless either.  
“You’ll be okay for now, sweetie.” He says, kissing my temple. “You have few more hours, you’re okay.”  
I nod, thankful that he knows me so well, but heartbroken that I don’t know him.  
“Is it…is it all at once?” I whisper, and he knows exactly what I mean.  
“No, Bear, your memories of this morning will start to fade a little bit. Are they still clear right now, or are they getting fuzzy?”  
I hesitate, thinking backwards to get to this morning. Anime, piano, youtube, call from mom, breakfast…  
“What room did you wake up in?” He asks gently and I struggle to remember.   
“I don’t…I don’t know.” My shaking voice is barely a whisper, and I try harder to remember. “The one with the piano?”  
He nods, smiling. “That’s right sweetie.”  
I let out a breath, relieved, but also terrified that I had managed to forget that small detail. “Ask me more. I don’t want to forget.”  
“I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” He says, looking sad. “I don’t want to push you too hard.”  
“You won’t.” I promise, “I need to remember. I promise, if I start to feel sick or whatever, I’ll tell you.”  
He nods slowly, “Okay. Um, what did we have for breakfast this morning?”  
My mind goes into overdrive, furiously thinking back to remember the tiny details. “We had…” I squeeze my eyes shut and I feel Phil’s hand over mine as I think. “We had eggs this morning.”  
I open my eyes and see him smiling proudly at me, like I’ve just won some prize. “Yep.”  
“Ask me more.”  
“Bear…”  
“Please.” I beg him, moving my hand so that I’m holding his, “I can’t forget you tomorrow.”  
“But you—” he cuts off, looking nervous.  
“What?”  
He shakes his head. “Nothing. I don’t want you to get hurt, is all.”  
“I won’t.” I bring his hand up to kiss his fingers and smile at him with as much confidence as I can muster.   
“What was the song you played on piano today?”  
“Moonlight Sonata.”  
“Video that we watched together today?”  
“We are not on fire?”  
“Phil is not on fire.” He corrects and I nod.  
“Right. More.”  
“Who did you call on the phone today?”  
“My…dad.”  
“How long ago was the bookstore?”  
“A year ago?” My answers are getting more and more unsure, but he’s not correcting me.  
“Okay. How long has it been since you last played piano?”  
“You said you hadn’t heard me play since…”  
“Yeah.” He’s quiet for a minute. “Alright I think that’s enough. I don’t want to tire you out.”  
I shake my head, “No, wait, one more. Please.”   
I need to try something, but I need to wait until he asks the right question.  
Phil hesitates, then gives in. “When did I propose to you?”  
Perfect.  
“A day before the accident.” I say, as confidently as possible.  
He gives me a gentle smile, nodding. “Mhm.” His eyes look sad, and I almost don’t want to say what I’m about to say but I shove it down.  
“No.” I say, after only a moment’s hesitation.  
“What?”  
“No.” I swallow. “You didn’t propose the day before the accident, you proposed a few weeks before. You told me so yourself.”  
His eyes go wide for a second. “Sweetie—”  
“You were lying to me!” I say, my voice rising and simultaneously catching in my throat. “You were lying to me to make me feel better! What else didn’t you correct me on?”  
Phil reaches out and wipes a tear from my cheek that I hadn’t even noticed. “Bear, I don’t want you to get hurt.”  
“Yeah well, I’m pretty fucking hurt right now, so I don’t think your little plan worked.” I swallow around the sobs in my throat, trying to ignore the cracks in my voice. “Did you think you could just hide everything from me to make me feel better?”  
He shakes his head, his bright, blue eyes shining with unshed tears. “No, baby, no.”  
“It's stupid how messed up I am.” My voice shakes but I ignore it. “So messed up that you can just lie to me and it’s so easy to get away with it. You could tell me anything, and I’d probably believe you."  
Phil is silent for a few moments, before looking up at me through his eyelashes. “I’m sorry, Dan. Really. I just didn’t want to hurt you. You always get so scared right before we go to bed, and I never know what to say to make you feel better, but I shouldn’t have lied to you. I’m sorry.”  
His eyes are sincere and I know he’s truly sorry, but I still can’t help feeling upset. My anger isn’t even all aimed at Phil, because I know he’s doing the best he can. It’s more aimed at myself for being so useless.  
I’m a mental cripple, completely useless, defenseless and reliant on Phil to the point that he can’t even get a job away from home. He can’t leave me alone for more than a few hours, and having to deal with my panic attacks on top of that must be hard.  
I let out a breath. “It’s okay, Phil. It’s not your fault I’m this messed up.”  
He frowns. “You’re not messed up.”  
I give him a half hearted laugh. “Whatever.”  
We let the conversation die, watching the room get steadily darker as the night comes on. My hands are shaking, but I don’t even notice that they are until Phil holds them in his, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles repeatedly.   
I’m still scared, but I know that there’s really nothing I can do to stop that right now. Even if Phil promised me that I would remember everything when I wake up tomorrow, I won’t believe it. Instead, I take comfort in the fact that I’ll be able to fall in love with Phil all over again tomorrow morning.  
Eventually, Phil stands up from the couch, pulling me as well and we go to the room with the piano.  
“Moonlight Sonata”, I remind myself, willing my mind not to forget it.  
He leads me to a small dresser, pulling out pajamas and handing them to me, pointing to a bathroom down the hall.   
I change, smiling slightly at the cookie monster pajama pants and head back to my room. Phil has set out jeans, and a t-shirt on the dresser with a sticky note attached to them.  
He smiles sheepishly as I walk up behind him.   
“Sorry, I forgot to set out clothes yesterday. At least I remembered the note, though, right?” he laughs a little, kissing my forehead. “It’s easier for you to get out of the house if you already have clothes planned out.”  
“So I leave the house every day?” I ask, and he nods.  
“Usually for about an hour. Sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. You always come back though.”  
I go to brush my teeth before bed, and return to him still in my room when I come back.   
“Ready to go to bed?” he asks me, and I let out a breath.  
“I’m scared.”  
Phil nods. “I know, Bear. But you’ll be okay.”  
I shake my head, crossing my arms over my chest. “What if I can’t sleep for a long time and I’m still awake and I don’t know where I am?”  
He crosses the room to me, hands resting above my elbows. “Do you want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?”  
I don’t meet his eyes as I nod, and he kisses my forehead again.   
I wish I had the courage to kiss him back.  
He leads me to the bed, waiting until I lay down before lying beside me. Immediately, I shift closer to him, tucking my head under his chin and listening to his heartbeat. His arms wrap around me, gently rubbing circles on my back. Knotting my hands in his shirt, I try to match my breathing to his, attempting to stop myself from shaking.  
I’m terrified.  
I’m going to lose him in a few hours, and he’s going to lose me too.  
Only he’s used to it.  
It takes a while before I calm down enough to close my eyes, and from there I can feel myself falling asleep. I try to fight it, wanting to stay with Phil as long as I possibly can, but my eyelids are stuck shut and I don’t have the energy to fight to keep them open.   
“I love you, Bear.” I hear Phil whisper, and then I’m asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, the longest day in the history of fanfiction is over. Hope you enjoyed!! :)   
> Thanks to all of you who left comments or kudos, you make me so happy!


	7. Slightly Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's side to the story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to avoid confusion, this chapter is written from Phil's POV. :)

I wait a few minutes after Dan falls asleep, before getting up from his bed. I’ve learned from experience that having him wake up to a stranger in his bed is not the best way to start a morning.  
I gently untangle his hands from my shirt, sliding a pillow into his arms in my place before he notices the change.  
He mumbles something in his sleep, curling closer to the pillow and burying his face in the fabric. It’s all I can do to not lay back down with him, but I force myself to leave the room.  
The house is deathly quiet without him, and it seems so much colder than usual. I find his jacket, checking to make sure the note is still in there, along with his phone and a set of our house keys. His shoes are sitting neatly by the front door and I hang his jacket up on the hook nearby.  
There’s not much else I can do to ensure his safety. Before, I tried locking the door so he wouldn’t go out and get lost, but I learned that once locked in, Dan would do anything to get out. The arrangement that we have now isn’t perfect, but it’s the best we can do right now.  
I head to the kitchen, grabbing a half full box of Dan’s cereal from the counter to snack on as I relax.  
Today was different.  
Good different, but different all the same.  
Finding the ring, playing the piano for the first time in years…I can’t help but feel hopeful that he’s getting better.  
I shake my head, shoveling more cereal into my mouth.  
Don’t let history repeat itself, I think, Don’t get all hopeful again.  
A few months back, there had been a day like this one. Dan had found the ring, and he had been persistent in asking about it for the rest of the day. He had worn it all day and even insisted that he wear it to bed, claiming that he’d remember it the next morning.  
I had believed him too.  
I was so ecstatic that he was happy, that he was on the brink of remembering that I didn’t even notice how illogical I was being.  
It had been one of the happiest days in a long time, which only made it worse when he didn’t remember the next morning.  
I had found the ring on the carpet of his room after he ran out of the house and had put it away again. He didn’t ask for it back and I didn’t show it to him again. After that, almost every day had been completely the same.  
The ring.  
I put away Dan’s cereal, careful to put it back in it’s place as I head back to his room. It’s better if he doesn’t wake up with the ring. It causes less drama and it’s easier to pretend that it never happened then explain the whole thing to him again.  
Dan’s in the same position as I left him in, gripping the pillow like a lifeline with his face hidden behind it. I trace his arm down to find his hand, gently sliding the ring off of his finger.  
He muttered something into his pillow, his brows furrowing and I press a kiss to his forehead before leaving the room.  
As I enter my room, I’m hit with memories of a few years ago, when he and I shared this room. It had become so regular, him sharing my bed, that I still can’t bring myself to spread out as I sleep, instead staying on “my side”.  
We would stay up late, watching movies on my computer and cuddling under the blankets until early morning, and then using coffee to keep ourselves awake for the rest of the day.  
I groan, flopping down face first onto my bed, trying to shove the memories away before I go on some trip down memory lane that will end up hurting me.  
It’s always hard to fall asleep, and today is no exception. I stay up well past midnight, trying and failing to sleep. I keep hearing the Moonlight Sonata on a loop in my mind, and I’m pretty sure it’s my new favorite song.  
When I wake up, my arm reaches across the bed for a moment, searching for Dan, even though it’s been years since I’ve woken up next to him.  
Checking my phone, I see that I slept late, and it’s already nine, so I force myself up and to the bathroom.  
I hate waking up after Dan comes back. I’ll find him sitting on the couch, nervously chewing his lip or fiddling with his hands. It usually results in lots of explaining and calming down, more than normal and I like to avoid it whenever possible.  
I get dressed as fast as I can, heading to his room to check if he’s actually gone. He is, and I make his bed, noting that it’s cold. He’s been gone for a while, so he should be getting back soon. I put away the pajamas and clean up from this morning so it won’t be a mess when he comes back.  
I go out to the kitchen to make breakfast before he comes back. I start making pancakes, setting out sliced lemon and sugar on the table before stacking two plates high with the breakfast.  
As I cook, I can’t help but feel slightly hopeful that he’ll ask about the ring, or play the piano again today. As much as I know he might, there’s a much bigger chance of him not asking as well, so I try not to get my hopes too high.  
The front door opens and closes quietly, and I smile to myself as I hear Dan’s soft footsteps down the hall. He comes into the kitchen, his eyes wide and scared with small tear tracks down his cheek.  
“Good morning, Love.” I say, smiling at him and crossing the room to take his hand. “I made breakfast, are you hungry?”  
He stares at me, not answering and I lead him to a chair at the table and set the plate of pancakes in front of him.  
“You’re Phil?” he asks, his voice small and I pass him a reassuring smile.  
“That’s right. Did you read your note?”  
He nods, letting out a shaky breath. “Amnesia?”  
“Yeah. You okay?”  
“No.” He stands up, pacing around the kitchen, “No not really. What the hell happened? Why don’t I remember anything? Why don’t I remember you? And—and—why?”  
I wait until he’s done before getting up to calm him down. I put my hands on his arms, just above the elbow and rub gently circles with my fingers.  
He looks up at me with wide eyes, his entire figure shaking. “Who are you? Why don’t I remember you?”  
“There was an accident.” I tell him, as gently as possible. “You lost your memory of two years, along with any memory of me.”  
I explain to him everything that I can, eventually calming him down enough to get him to eat breakfast.  
He asks the usual questions: Are we together, tell my why I’m still here, is my family okay, how long have I been like this. I answer the best I can, shoving down the part of me that wants to beg him to remember yesterday.  
We migrate to the couch, him still asking me questions and me still answering them as we sit. He’s near tears by the time he gets to the “Why me?” part of the conversation, and I hold him until he calms down.  
Everything is routine for me, and I can't imagine going through what he goes through every single day.  
I show Dan a Phil is not on fire video and he watches the whole thing today. He doesn't touch the piano. He doesn't look for the ring. He still remembers the bookstore as the last thing he did.  
Nothing has changed.  
I hide my disappointment behind happy tears when he lays down his head in my lap and tells me he loves me, halfway through the day. My fingers run through his long curls, twisting them between my fingers and loving the smile he gives me.  
"I love you too, Bear." I say, and his smile grows a little before shrinking back down. He turns to his side so that his back is facing me, his head still resting on my lap as he brings his knees up to his chest.  
"What's wrong?" I ask him, my hands pausing in his hair. "Are you okay?"  
"I'm fine." He yawns, "I'm just sleepy. Am I usually sleepy?"  
I shake my head, moving my hand again. "Not usually, no. What time did you get up?"  
He half shrugs, two of his fingers tapping on my knee. "I dunno. It was still dark when I left." He quiet for a few more seconds. "I saw the sunrise from the park."  
I continue running my fingers through his hair, thinking as he yawns again."Can I sleep?"  
"Or course." I nod. "When you get up, I need to go down to the shop for something--"  
He sits up suddenly, looking at me with wide eyes. "Don't leave when I'm asleep." There's a red mark on his face where he was leaning on my jeans and his hair sticks up in every direction, only adding to the shocked look on his face. "I don't--I don't want to wake up alone."  
I smile at him, gently easing him down on my lap again. "I won't, Bear, I promise. Okay?"  
He nods, letting out a shaky breath. "Mhm."  
I card my fingers through his hair until I feel his breathing evens out and I can tell he's asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this kinda boring, filler chapter. To be honest, I'm still figuring out where this story is going myself, so bear with me!  
> Thanks again to anyone who has left kudos or a comment, you all make me so happy!! :)


	8. Getting Better?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil get cereal. Thrilling, I know.

I wake Dan up with a kiss, watching as his eyes slowly flutter open.  
“Morning, love.” I say, and he smiles, rolling over on to his back to look up at me.  
“Hi.” He rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand and I resist the urge to kiss him again and again. “How long did I sleep?”  
“‘Bout half an hour.” I tell him, “Come on, we need to go down to the shop.”  
“Noooo.” Dan moans, turning his head to bury his face against my stomach, “I don’t wanna go.”  
"Why?"  
"Wanna sleep."  
“We’ll see about that.” I say, smiling as I attack his sides with my fingers, tickling him mercilessly. “You sure you don’t want to go?”  
He lets out a scream of laughter, attempting to fight me off but only resulting in falling off the couch. I follow him down, landing on the floor next to him and continuing my attack.   
“It’s time to go, come on.” I tell him, and he squirms beneath me.  
“N-no! I wanna sleep!” Dan tries to roll away almost hitting his head on the side of the couch.  
“I won’t stop!”  
“Fine!” He yells, and I let him go.   
He lays on the floor, gasping and still laughing, watching me warily out of the corner of his eye. “I hate you.”  
“Do you?”  
He thinks for a moment, sitting up and leaning on his hands. “I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.”  
I love it when Dan is confidant, especially this early in the day.  
“That’s good.” I smile, standing up and helping him as well. “Ready to head out?”  
He nods, following me to my room where I toss him a pair of socks, as he’s discarded the ones from this morning. Grabbing my wallet, we pull our shoes on and head out the door.  
The walk to the shop isn’t long, and we take our time to enjoy the walk together. I swing our joined hands between us, smiling at him whenever he looks up at me.   
We receive a few glances from people, eying our clasped hands but I ignore them. Nothing will ever force me to let go of Dan’s hand when I don’t need to.  
Arriving at the shop, I gesture for Dan to grab us a trolley before heading inside.  
Even after spending almost all day with me, Dan is still slightly nervous about being out in public. He follows behind me, still talking normally, but keeping his hand gripped on my sleeve, just above the elbow.   
We trail throughout the store, one by one picking up the foods on my list as Dan chatters away to me the entire time.  
“I’m going to remember you tomorrow.” He claims, confidently. “I’m sure of it. I’m going to wake up and I’m going to know who you are, and we’re going to be in love.”  
“We’re not now?” I ask.  
“Well I guess we are. But I don’t actually know you all that well. I’m going to get to know you, really know you. We'll go on walks together and cuddle and we'll be so happy."  
I smile softly as I grab a box of cereal, dropping it into the trolley. It makes me sad how often he’s had this exact conversation with me, so confident and sure that he’s getting better only to wake up and shrink away from me in the morning.  
“Imagine waking up to you tomorrow morning and knowing who you are.” He smiles, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “And--Oh yeah. I need cereal.”  
“Why?”  
“I’m almost out of my cereal again, as you keep snacking on it, you spoon.” He shoots me a grin, reaching out and grabbing a box of the same cereal I always buy him. “Seriously, does mine taste better than your’s or something?”  
“Yes!” I exclaim, “It…” I freeze. “What?”  
“What?”  
“Your...cereal.” I say, stunned. “How did you know that?”  
“You always eat my cere--” He stops too, the box dropping out of his hands. “What the hell.”  
I step over the box on the floor, grabbing his shoulders. “How the hell did you remember that?”   
“I don’t--” He frowns, “I don’t know, I shouldn’t know.”   
“Dan.” My vision is blurry from tears, but I don’t try to wipe them away as I repeat my question. “Dan, how did you remember that?”  
“I don’t know.” He shakes his head, looking scared and excited at the same time. “I just know that you always do--!”  
“I ate your cereal last night," I tell him, "I was stressed about something and I just ate it like I normally do.”  
“Phil, I remembered!” Dan’s voice rises, attracting some people’s attention, “I remembered!” He laughs out loud, a bright grin splitting his face. “I’m getting better!”  
I’m about to respond when he grabs my face in his hands and kisses me full on the lips.  
God.  
It takes me only a moment to get over the initial surprise, before my hands are on his hips, pulling him closer to me. It feels so good to kiss him again, actually and really kiss him, with him wanting it as much as me.  
After what seems like too short, he breaks away, his face red.   
“Sorry.” He laughs, “I got excited…”  
I try to laugh as well, but only a sob comes out, and I reach out for him again, pulling him in a tight hug. “Don’t apologize.” I manage out, burying my face in his shoulder. “I can’t be happier right now, Bear.”  
We pull apart, tears in both of our eyes now.  
“Hey!”  
Glancing up, I see one of the shop workers walking towards us with a look of extreme annoyance on his face.   
“Sorry?” Dan says, glancing back at me nervously.  
“You guys okay?” The man asks, his gaze bouncing back and forth between us.  
“Yes!” I say, quickly, “Yes, we’re fine. More than fine.”  
Dan presses a chaste kiss to my cheek.   
The man raises his eyebrows. “Wonderful. I must ask, would you please refrain from disrupting customers in the store?”  
Dan blushes a deep red, but I can only laugh. There is literally nothing that will be able to stop me from smiling for the rest of the day, I know that for sure.  
"Right sorry." I say, squeezing Dan's hand. "We were just leaving anyway."  
"Yes, you were." The man says, frowning at us. "Have a nice day."  
“You too!” Dan calls out to the man’s receding back, smiling at me with shining eyes.  
I press another kiss to his forehead, “I can’t believe this is happening.” I tell him, truthfully. “It’s been so long and now finally…”  
He get our food, checking out and heading outside. Dan holds my hand in his the entire walk home, both of us weighed down with groceries but not caring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!! To be completely honest, I don't have much of an idea as to what comes next in this story, but I'll keep going and we'll see how it turns out!!  
> All of your comments and kudos make me very happy, seriously, I smile every single time :)


	9. I'll Remember You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan promises to remember Phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To avoid confusion, I'll just tell you now, this chapter is split between Dan and Phil's point of views. :)

"You ready?" I ask Dan, once he's changed into his pajamas.   
The boy hesitates, then nods, walking towards the bed.   
"Could you...could you stay with me?" He blushes slightly and I smile.   
"Of course bear. I'll stay with you until you fall asleep." Crossing the floor, I sit down on the bed beside him as he snuggles underneath his grey and black duvet. He smiles up at me as I comb my fingers through his hair, humming something under his breath.  
"Phil, why can't you stay with me all night?" He asks, his voice small. He looks up at me from where he lays with big eyes, and I lean down to kiss his forehead.  
"We found out in the past that you don't react well to waking up in a stranger's bed." It hurts to call myself a stranger to him and he must feel it too because he visibly winces.   
"But you won't be a stranger. I'm going to remember you tomorrow, right?"   
I nod, trying not to show too much emotion. "Right. Of course." I let out a breath that comes out shaker that I wanted it to and I hope he doesn't notice. "I'll stay tonight."  
“All night?”  
I nod, “All night.” I lie.  
Dan smiles at me, his eyes bright. "I can't wait to wake up." He says happily, and I do my best to smile back at him.   
"Let me go get changed real quick, I'll be right back." He nods as I leave the room, telling me not to take too long.   
As I change in my room, I wait a moment before going back to Dan’s room to try and compose myself.   
Yes, I want to believe that he's better, that he'll wake up tomorrow and know who I am, and everything will be better. But I still can't fight the feeling that he won't know me in the morning and that all of this happening today will be forgotten.   
As I head back to Dans room, I see a cocoon of blankets on the bed, and I smile, crawling under the blankets with him as quietly as possible.   
The little burrito of blankets rolls over, showing a smiling face. "Hi." Dan mumbles, and I smile back.  
"Hey bear."  
"I made a cocoon."   
I chuckle, "I see that."  
"Phil?"  
"Hm?"  
"Do you think I'll actually be better tomorrow?" He asks me, his face suddenly serious. "Like, d'ya think those two years of me not remembering you are finally over?"  
I brush his long curls away from his face, doing my best to sound reassuring. "I hope so bear, I really hope so."  
He grins, burrowing closer to me while still in his blanket, until he can tuck his head under my chin. "I can't wait."  
We talk for a little longer before Dan starts to drift off and he mumbles out a sleepy, "see you tomorrow.", before he's asleep.   
I wait a few more minutes to make sure he really is asleep before slowly getting up from the bed.   
It's not that I don't want to stay with him. I would love more than anything to spend an entire night with him for once, but I don't think I could stand it if he wakes up without knowing who I am again.   
I wander around the flat, rearranging a few things to see if he'd notice them in the morning. A houseplant moves from the kitchen to the living room, the bowls have changed cabinets, and the Muse poster has switched walls. They’re not big changes and I wonder if he’ll notice.   
I put the note back in Dan’s jacket pocket and get the rest of the flat ready in case he leaves again, and go back to his room to get clothes ready.  
As I pull out some jeans from his dresser, he moves from behind me, half sitting up in bed.  
“Phil?”  
Dropping the clothes, I head back to his bed, sitting down next to him and running my hand through his hair. “Go back to sleep bear, I’m right here.”  
“You left?”  
“I did, yes, but I’m back now. Go to sleep, Love.”  
He watches me for a moment before agreeing, and lying back down. He keeps a hold of my hand this time though, so I stay with him for a while longer.   
After he falls asleep again, I head back to my room, trying to ignore the soft sounds of Dan's snoring from the other room.   
Maybe he will remember tomorrow, and I’m just being paranoid. Maybe he’ll wake up and be back to old Dan, who loved cereal and making videos and Christmas. Maybe he’ll remember all of our good times together and be able to laugh at our old jokes and references.  
It’s been months since I’ve gone to bed this hopeful, and I have to admit, it feels amazing. I literally can’t keep the smile off of my face as I fall asleep, hopeful that maybe I’ll get my boyfriend back tomorrow.

Dan  
\-------  
“Dan? You awake?”  
I roll over in my blankets, turning towards the voice. “Huh?” I blearily open my eyes, taking in the black haired boy in front of me. “Who’re…”  
“Wake up Dan, I want to see if you remember.” He sits on my bed, bouncing excitedly and--  
Wait.  
This isn’t my bed.  
I sit up suddenly, scooting away from the stranger and pulling the blankets up to my shoulders. “What the hell--who are you?”  
The boy’s face falls, his eyes growing huge and sad at the same time and I’m almost sad that I don’t know him.  
“Dan?”  
“I-I’m sorry.” I shake my head, “Where am I…?”  
The boy stands up, a look of defeat in his eyes as he watches me. “I thought you would...never mind.” He shakes his head, clearly trying to smile but failing miserably. “I can’t believe I believed that you’d….”  
“Who are you?” I ask him quietly.  
“I’m Phil.” He sticks out a hand for me to shake, looking completely heartbroken. “Um, hang on a sec.”  
He leaves the room, and I’m left sitting in an unknown bed in a place I don’t know.   
What happened last night? I wrack my brain, trying to remember something but I don’t remember anything past leaving home for my first day of uni.  
The boy, Phil, returns with a piece of paper and a glass of water. He hands the paper to me and leaves the water on the nightstand, taking a seat on the edge of my bed again.  
“It might not make a whole lot of sense, as you’re usually out of the house when you read it but oh well.” He fiddles with the edge of his pajama shirt as I turn my attention to the paper in my hand. It’s a note, apparently from me and as my eyes scan the words I’m filled with an immense feeling of dread.  
I drop the paper onto my lap, glancing up at Phil. “Is this some sort of joke?”  
He shakes his head, his eyes still sad. “I’m afraid not, no.”   
“Right.” I take a deep breath, slowly getting up from the bed. “Okay. Right. Got it.” Turning to face Phil, I ball the note up and throw it at him, “What the hell is going on right now, why can’t I remember how I got here, and who the bloody hell are you?!”  
He flinches at the words, but then covers it with a practiced smile. “Dan, come on, I’ll make you breakfast and we’ll talk. Okay?”  
“No!” I yell at him, but my stomach rumbles a disagreement. “I’m not hungry.”  
He chuckles a little, and it still sounds fake. “Alright. I’m going to make some food, come out when you’re ready to talk, okay?”  
He gets up, holding the crumpled paper in his hands and leaving the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! :) All of your comments and kudos are making me so happy, THANK YOU!   
> Again, not really sure where this story going but I hope you enjoy it anyway.


	10. Back to square one?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems like everything is back to normal

Dan

By the time I get up the courage to leave the room, I can smell something cooking in the kitchen and I have to admit it smells amazing.   
I suck in a deep breath, and grab the pile of clothes on my dresser, pulling them on as fast as I can. Black skinny jeans, black t-shirt, pretty much everything black and I can’t say I mind.   
As I head to the kitchen, I hear humming, but it sounds sad. I stand on the threshold of the room, watching the man, Phil, cooking something on the stove, the note from earlier smoothed out on the counter. He’s singing something under his breath but his face looks drawn as if holding in tears.  
I barely have time to wonder what happened to him before he sees me, his eyes lighting up.  
“Morning, Dan.” He smiles, handing me a plate full of bacon and eggs, “Go ahead and sit down, I’ll be right there.”  
I follow his suggestion, sitting down at the table and watching him, trying to calm down my harsh breaths.  
“Phil?”  
He turns, a soft but sad smile on his face, “Hm?”  
“What’s going on?”  
He crouches beside my chair, placing a hand on my clenched fist. "You're okay, Bear. What do you want to know?"

Phil

I answer Dan's questions best I can without completely breaking down and after two hours, he's calmed down enough for me to leave him alone.  
I go to my room, shutting the door but not locking it in case Dan needs me again. Collapsing on my bed, I curl up against one of my pillows, squeezing my eyes shut in the hopes of stopping tears.   
Stupid, stupid, stupid--  
Why had I even allowed myself to hope that everything would be better today? Why had I gotten his hopes up as well?   
My mind flashes back to the shop, back to the kiss. Dan's smile burns in my mind and I know there's no way that I can forget it. It's the happiest I've seen him in years...the happiest I've seen him since I asked him to marry me.   
A sob finds its way up my throat, choking me until I let it out. The sound it makes is loud in the room, reminding me of how quiet it is now without Dan, how empty.   
The half used dresser, the half empty bookcase, the half used bed, all kept empty in the hope that he would eventually come back to me.   
The door creaks behind me, and I hurriedly scrub my face to hide the tears, as Dan enters.   
"Phil? I...I wasn't sure if I should knock--" he opens the door, turning around to close it behind him as he enters the room. "I don't know why, but that Muse poster seems off--" He cuts off, seeing my face. "What happened?" His brown eyes are wide with worry, and he sits down on the edge of my bed to face me. "Are you okay?"  
I give him the best smile I can muster, still holding the pillow to my chest. "Yeah bear I'm fine. What about the Muse poster?"  
“Nothing, it’s fine--”  
“No, Dan tell me. What did you notice?” My voice comes out harsher than I mean it and he flinches.  
“I don’t--I just thought it looked off, but I figured it was nothing. Are you okay?”  
Even knowing that he had noticed something off about our flat, it’s not quiet enough to make me actually smile at him. “I’m fine.” I repeat.  
He watches me for a few seconds, before slowly shaking his head. "No, you're not. What's wrong?"  
His hand reaches up for a moment as if to comfort me but he seems to think better of it, dropping his hand on to his lap again.   
"Phil?"  
I shake my head, "I'm fine. But you on the other hand--how're you holding up?"  
"No, tell me what's wrong." He pushes, ignoring my question. "Please."  
"I just--" I do my best to wipe away tears but more keep appearing. "Yesterday was really good, and I thought that you might have been getting better."  
"Oh." His voice is small, and I look up to see him, staring thoughtfully down at my carpet. "What happened yesterday?"  
I tell him, leaving out the detail about the kiss, and he nods as if he remembers it all. When the story is finished, I bury my face in the pillow again and I feel tentative arms gently circle my shoulders.   
"I don't think I can say anything to make you feel better, so I'm just going to hold you and see if that works."  
I laugh at the nervousness in his voice, reaching out my own arms to hug him back. His hand traces out soft circles on my back and I let myself cry on his shoulder.  
I haven't cried this much in years. I stopped letting myself a few months after the accident, when my whole routine was new to me. I didn't want to worry Dan, let him know how scared I was so I just kept it in instead.   
"Is it working?" Dan's small voice interrupts my thoughts, bringing a weak smile to my face.   
"Yeah. Yeah I think it is."  
"Just to make sure...." He squeezes a little tighter before letting go, leaning back to look at me. "I'm sorry I can't remember yesterday." He says seriously, and I shake my head.   
"No, no bear, don't be sorry. It's not your fault, none of this is your fault."  
"But it hurts you so much!" He whimpers, "It's not fair to you!"  
"Sweetie, I promise, I'm fine. Sometimes you just need to let everything out, it doesn't mean that it's your fault." I push his curly fringe out of his eyes, smiling fondly at his worried look. "I'm okay."  
He nods slowly, eyes still pinned on me. "I'm going to get better so you never have to cry about this ever again. I'm going to get better and I'm going to see you always smiling."   
I laugh a little, wiping the last of the tears away. “That’s a good goal to have.”  
He leans in and hugs me again, resting his cheek on my shoulder. “I’m going to get better Phil. I just need to remember a few things and I’ll be okay. We’ll both be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!!   
> I think writing is my coping mechanism for not having the book yet, gosh darn it America, so yay a surplus of chapters!  
> As always, your comments and kudos always make me smile, every single one of them!! :)


	11. About a Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil go for a visit to the doctor's

It's not much, but his words keep me going for the next few days.   
"I just need to remember a few things and I'll be okay."  
He stays almost normal during the next week, noticing small things that are off but that's about it. His last memory changed from the bookstore to his first day of uni, which was a few weeks afterwards.   
Progress, however small, is something to be happy about and I find myself smiling easier, answering his questions faster, and if possible, loving him even more.   
"Bear, we need to go out today, you up for that?"   
We sit cuddled on the couch, game controllers in our hands, Mario kart on the tv, and mugs of hot chocolate by our sides. It feels normal and domestic, and I always enjoy these rare moments when everything seems back to the way it was.   
"Where're we headed?" He mumbles out, focused on the screen.   
"Doctor's. Just to see how you're doing." I say it casually, not giving away the hope that distracts my mind.  
Dan's character falls off the track on screen and he looks up at me with a small smile. "Yeah okay. Can't really say no to that, can I?"  
I kiss the tip of his nose, watching in amusement as he blushes and tries in vain to focus on the game at hand. 

Dan shifts uncomfortably in his chair, frowning at the squeaking noise it makes as he moves. "How much longer?"  
"Not much." I promise, barely looking up from my phone. "We'll go in soon."  
The minute the words are out of my mouth, the receptionist glances over at us. "Dan Howell?"  
He stands, waiting for me before following a nurse through a door leading to the back. His hands are almost completely covered with the sleeves of his jumper and his shoulders are tense, giving away his nervousness.   
I reach out, gently putting a reassuring arm around his waist as we enter an office. He jumps, then blushes at the gesture.  
"Dan, it's great to see you again." The doctor stands before us, gesturing towards the two chairs for us to sit. "You look well."   
Dan nods and mumbles a thanks. He's obviously nervous but I reach over and take his hand in mine, giving it a reassuring squeeze. A smile flickers on his face but he's still jittery.   
The doctor smiles at Dan before turning to me. "How have the last few months gone?"  
"Good. A few days ago, he remembered some small details and he's pointed out a few things that I have changed around the flat. I wasn't sure if it was anything big, but it was an achievement."  
He nods. "Wonderful. Dan, how do you feel?"  
Dan gives a one shouldered shrug, glancing up between me and the doctor. "Good, I guess. Well, apart from not being able to remember the last three years of my life." His words are flat, and I put an arm around his shoulders, letting him hold on to me.   
The doctor nods. "I know. It's hard. Would you mind getting up on the bed for a moment?" He gestures to the bed and Dan nods standing up but still holding my hand.   
"You're alright love, it's just to see how you're doing." I reassure him.   
They go through the standard routine or checking eyes, nose mouth, reflexes and I try to keep Dan distracted and calm by talking about anything that comes to mind.   
"Dan, can you tell me, what is the last thing that you remember?" The doctor asks.  
"University. First day of university." He says with growing confidence.   
"I see. Phil, only a few months ago it was different?"  
I nod. "He's moved forward a few weeks memory wise."  
The doctor smiles, "Wonderful. A nurse will be here in a moment for a few more tests, and you'll be all set to head home."  
Dan nods slowly, raising an eyebrow. "Tests?"  
"A quick physical, eye test, just a few basic things before you go home." The doctor confirms, "You'll be fine, Mr. Howell."  
Dan glances over at me, offering a weak smile.   
"May I sit on the bed with him?" I ask, and the doctor nods, standing to leave.   
"I'll be back in a few minutes with the nurse."   
I climb up next to Dan, putting an arm around him and pressing a kiss to his hair. "You okay, love?"  
He nods. "I've done this before, I'm fine."  
I smile, letting him admire my fingers in his hand.   
"Do I usually act nervous at the doctor’s?" He asks.   
I nod. "Yeah sometimes. It's a scary thing, what you're going through. You have a right to be nervous."  
"But me being nervous makes you nervous and I don't want to make you worry any more than you need to. You've already put up with me for three years and two of those I've been a mental cripple." He holds up a finger when I try to irrupt him, "Let me finish. I am mentally damaged,you can't hide that from me. I don't want you to have to deal with more than you already do. Okay? I know that you lose sleep over me, I know you give up almost everything to take care of me, and I can't do anything to help you."  
"Dan sweetie, I don't--"  
"No. I'm unable to get a job because of what happened to me. I can't help out with money, I can't go out to go shopping by myself because I don't know my way around our neighborhood."  
"Dan. Listen to me." I gently puts his hand against my cheek, lifting my face to see him. "I don't think of you as a mental cripple. I don't worry for no reason. There’s a reason why I've stayed with you, Dan, I love you. I can handle the money, I can handle the groceries, and I would never ever think of you as a burden. Okay?"  
He sighs, not believing me. "Okay, sure. I just--"  
"Excuse me, Mr. Howell?"  
We look up to see a nurse, smiling professionally and holding open the door. "Sorry, am I interrupting something?"  
"No, you're okay. Thanks." Dan says, moving slightly away from me.   
"Awesome. I'm Tracy, I'm going to be helping with a few tests. Come with me?"  
We nod, hopping off the bed but she stops me. "Sorry, Mr. Lester. This is just for Dan. The doctor has requested you meet him in his office though. Do you know how to get there?"  
I hesitate, glancing over at Dan whose eyes are wide.   
"Um, right. Yes I do." I reach out, holding Dan's hand tight in mine for a moment. "I'll be right back, love, you'll be okay."  
He nods hurriedly, squeezing my hand back. "Okay."  
I head to the doctor's office, telling myself that Dan is in good hands.   
I knock, and the doctor opens the door, greeting me with a warm smile. "Ah, Mr. Lester."  
"Phil." I tell him, for the hundredth time.   
"Right. Please come in." He opens the door wider and I follow him into his office.   
It's modest, decorated sparsely but still giving off a welcoming feeling. He gestures me towards a small, comfortable looking chair nod I sit.   
"Now Phil, without Dan in the room, how is he actually doing?"  
For a moment, I'm taken aback by his question. There isn't anything that I wouldn't tell Dan, and even if I did--I feel horrible for thinking this--he wouldn't remember the next day.   
"He's really doing well. He points out moved house plants and posters in the morning, and he remembered a small detail about cereal the other day."  
The doctor stays quiet for a little longer and I add:  
"There isn't anything really to tell you, everything I tell you I would tell Dan. I don't keep anything from him."  
"Right. That's good to know."  
"Is something wrong?" I ask, barely keeping the shaking out of my voice.   
"No, no, I just wanted to know your thoughts on the subject."  
I shrug. "I'm nervous. I mean, I worry that he won't get better, even though everyone says that he will."  
"He will get better. He's showed major improvements over these months alone. Within maybe a year he could be completely healed."  
My head jerks up to meet his gaze. "A year?"  
The man nods. "He won't ever remember everything from these past three years, but eventually he will wake up and remember the day before. He might not ever regain his memories of this; but he will be able to make new ones."  
My breath sticks in my throat, eliminating any attempts to speak. I'm left gaping at the man in shock. One year, and I could have my Dan back. Just one more year.   
I don't notice the tears on my face until the doctor reaches over the desk to hand me a tissue.   
"We've refrained from telling you before as we were not completely sure about his recovery."  
"I don't even..." I can't think of what to say, unable to keep the smile from my face. "Thank you."  
He smiles, "Of course Phil. Dan should be about done by now."  
I thank him again and leave, trying to wipe away tears before I reach the room, and pulling out my phone as I wait for Dan to return.   
I can't believe that in only a year, Dan could be back to remembering each day. My mind goes into overdrive, imagining proposing to Dan all over again, imaging his faces I ask, the joy afterwards--  
"Phil?" The door opens and Dan appears, followed by the nurse, Tracy.   
"Dan!" I'm out of my seat in seconds, my arms wrapping around him and pulling him into a tight embrace.   
He hugs back, then pulls away, frowning. "Phil? You okay?"  
I nod, momentarily forgetting that Tracy is still there and pressing a kiss to Dan's lips.   
"I'm great bear, I'm just happy to see you."  
He smirks. "I wasn't gone that long, calm down."   
“I don’t get to hug you whenever I feel like it?” I mock him, and he smiles wider, rolling his eyes.  
“Whatever, of course you do, you spork.”  
But he still holds my hand tight in his all the ways home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, hope you enjoyed!! We're nearing the end, I think, only a few chapters left. Reading all of your comments and seeing your kudos makes me so happy! :)


	12. I Think I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new Danisnotonfire video?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's not dead!! Yeah, sorry I took forever to update this fic, I kept getting writers block and then did nanowrimo and wrote a novel. But the writers block is gone and I'm hoping to update this more now so woo!! Thanks for sticking with it!

The next few months are hard.  
Some days, he'll seem to be getting better, and those are the best days. He’ll play the piano, or he’ll find the ring, or something like that, but then suddenly everything is gone. He'll leave the house again and not be back for hours. He'll have panic attacks and meltdowns and those are the days when I actually fear that he won't ever get better.  
I still don't allow myself to spend the entire night with him, only staying until he falls asleep and then going to my own room I don't trust myself with hope, not even on the good days. I'm too scared that it'll leave and I'll be left alone.  
Having to wait only a year seems too good to be true, and I find it hard to believe.  
It's months later when Dan actually remembers me one morning.  
For the second I open my eyes, I know that I've overslept. Dan will probably be getting back to the flat around now, and I haven't started breakfast or anything.  
I roll over, burying my face in the pillows as I try to convince myself to get up.  
"Phil!"  
My eyes jerk open, not believing what I hear.  
"Phil! What's happening?!" Dan's voice yells from the room next to mine, sounding rather panicked.  
"Dan!"  
I'm out of bed in seconds, rushing to his room and throwing open the door.  
He's in bed still, the blankets pulled up to his chest a look of panic on his face.  
"Phil, what's going on, you said I wouldn't remember--"  
His words are cut off as I tackle hug him, knocking us both down on to the bed.  
"What th--Phil?" Dan struggles out from underneath me, eyes open wide and looking rather upset. "What's going on?"  
"Dan." I get out, but I can't say anything else. Tears are clouding my vision and I can barely see Dan's confused but now hopeful face.  
"Phil am I...?" He seems hesitant to say the words "Getting better" but both of us are thinking it. “What’s going on?”  
I shake my head, swallowing a sob and holding him tight against me, barely even daring to breathe as I feel him holding me back.  
“What’s the last thing you remember?” I ask him, when I finally get my voice back. “Can you tell me what happened yesterday?”  
He hesitates, and for a second I’m scared that he’ll answer with something like his first day at uni again. “We watched Star Wars,” He starts slowly, watching me for a reaction, and I think that the tears running down my cheeks give one. “You kissed my forehead when I was scared to sleep, we had cereal for dinner even though it’s not a dinner food…”  
I’m barely listening now, too overjoyed to even think straight and then suddenly I’m kissing him, leaning all of our weight against him so that he falls backwards on to the bed, laughing against my lips.  
There’s tears and kisses and laughing, and I don’t let him out of my arms for ages, scared almost that he’ll forget everything if I let him go. We stay in bed all day, holding on to each other like a lifeline, too scared to let go. Although we do talk, most of the time is spent only being in each other's presence again.  
He doesn’t remember anything other than what happened yesterday, but to us, the few memories are a victory.  
“Phil?” Dan asks tentatively, and I'm jerked out of my wandering thoughts to the boy in my arms.  
“Yeah, bear?”  
He smiles slightly at the nickname, looking down for a moment before continuing. “Is this the first time that I've remembered? Since the accident?”  
It's weird not having to explain to him everything as I normally would. He already knows about the accident, he already knows that I love him, and it feels amazing to know that he knows. “Yeah.” I confirm. “This is new for the both of us.” I run my fingers through his curly fringe, feeling him lean into the touch and I smile.  
I know that this isn't the end to everything. That would be far too easy and the doctor had warned me that Dan’s recovery would take longer. At least a year.  
But for now, I allow myself to enjoy this moment. I let myself feel him curled up against my side, I feel his heartbeat against mine, I feel his trusting hand resting on my chest. I remember the joy on his face this morning, and shove away the memory of the fear that usually rests on his features.  
“Dan?”  
He hums a response, glancing up to meet my eyes with his beautiful chocolatey ones.  
“I love you.”  
His face splits into a grin, and he leans up the few inches that were previously separating us and pressed a small kiss to my cheek. “I think I love you too.”  
“We'll just have to get to know each other better to make sure.” I tell him, and he smiles his agreement.  
It's one of my favorite Dan smiles. The one when his eyes get all crinkly and his dimple looks like a fucking crater and his eyes are absolutely shining with joy. They're rare nowadays, usually replaced with a polite, unsure smile as he had to get to know me every single day all over again.  
Pulling the boy closer to me, I kiss his forehead, right below the mess of curls atop his head.  
I call the doctor later that day when I get up to order pizza for lunch. Halfway through explaining what happened, I get choked up and he can barely understand me, but I can't really find it in me to care.  
****  
Some days, he'll go an entire week remembering me, and those are the days when I truly think that all of this hell is finally over. The suddenly, out of nowhere, everything is gone and he'll run away again. I make him breakfast and talk him through the morning as I usually used to, trying hot to think too deeply on it. It hurts that he doesn't recognize me after spending an entire week together.  
Eventually, the time between grew shorter, the week's that Dan remembered, grew longer. He was obviously getting better, although neither of us really had the courage to say much about it, other than a few exchanged words of how nice it’ll be to look to the future for one and plan ahead.  
It was nice to be able to wake up to the person you love able to remember you, and I realize how sad the thought made my past life seem.  
One day, I hear a knock on my door, followed by a quiet, “Phil?”  
I look up from my book, slightly startled from being pulled out of the alternate universe my mind had been living in as I read. “Yeah, come in.”  
The door opens to reveal a very nervous looking Dan, his brow furrowed and his bottom lip trapped between his teeth.  
“What’s up?” I ask him, gesturing for him to come over and sit on the bed. He does, but doesn’t really look up to meet my gaze as I ask him what’s wrong.  
He shakes his head slightly, “No, nothing’s wrong. I just…” He pinches the bridge of his nose and glances up. “I found the cameras the other day after you showed me the videos.” He starts, and I already know where this conversation is headed.  
“Yes?”  
“And I was wondering if we could maybe make a video.” He says quietly, almost as if he’s afraid I’ll say no. “I saw that the last time my channel uploaded was almost three years ago, and I thought that maybe I could make a video about things that’ve happened since then.”  
I nod, closing my book and setting on the bedside table to focus my full attention on Dan. “Okay. Would you want to talk about everything? A lot has happened in the past three years.”  
“I know,” he says, “But you’ve talked about me on your channel before, like explaining where I went and updates and stuff. So they already know about most of what’s happened, so it’d be like an update but from me this time instead of you.”  
“Hmm.” I nod slowly, letting a smile grow on my face, “Yeah I think we can do that. Where do you want to shoot? And do you have an idea about what you want to do?”  
Dan smiles back and nods, “Yeah, I wrote some stuff down last night.”  
“Why did you wait this long to ask?” I wonder, “And you know that you don’t need to ask my permission to make your own video.”  
“I know. I was nervous before, because I didn’t know if you wanted to go into detail about everything that’s happened with the fans. And also…” He frowns slightly, “I was hoping that you’d help me with it? And hopefully that you’d be in it with me?”  
My smile grows even more than before, and I pull the younger boy into a tight hug. “Of course.” I tell him softly, and he noticeably relaxes in my arms, finally hugging back.  
I join Dan on the couch later that day, curled up together with my sticker covered laptop and a blanket wrapped around us. I had made him hot chocolate earlier, and me coffee, and the now empty mugs sat on the coffee table before them.  
“What kind of video are you planning on doing?” I ask him, scrolling through the Danisnotonfire channel page. “Are you going to be completely serious, or are we thinking of putting the sexy end screen at the end?”  
He smiles slightly, but he still looks unmistakably nervous.  
“What's wrong, bear?” I ask, frowning slightly. He had been so happy only a few minutes ago.  
Dan shakes his head. “I--I'm fine. It's just that...there's so many people still subscribed to this channel. Even after three fucking years, they haven't bothered to unsubscribe or just give up.” He points to the subscriber counter at the top of the page. “It's still in the millions.”  
“Of course it is Dan. They loved you, and that didn't change one bit when you disappeared. I never explicitly said that you'd eventually make more videos, in fact I don't think I mentioned it once. This is all them.”  
“But why?” He asks, not happy with my answer. “Don't they feel let down after I just disappeared on them?”  
“Of course not, they know what happened, generally. They don't blame you.”  
I pull the laptop back to me and search some Dan and Phil meetup videos to show the doubtful boy. I need him to see how much everyone missed him, how much he's still loved. I could show him the Danisnotonfire tumblr page, but I don't want to scar him with all the edits and fanarts just yet.  
We watch a video of two girls waiting in line for hours to meet us and get a picture taken and the joy and excitement is evident in their eyes.  
The video quality isn't great, and the camera is shaking more often than not, but we can clearly make out the voice of one of the girls, telling Dan that his videos saved her life and got her through a hard time. The camera shakes as she goes to hug him, and I reach out to wipe away some tears that had started to fall down the younger boys cheeks.  
“I--” he starts, but I shush him, finding another video to show him before he starts to actually cry.  
This one is different, a compilation of vines made by the phandom, right after the accident was announced and Danisnotonfire disappeared. There were tears and sharpied on cat whiskers and “I love you guys, I hope Dan gets better soon”, repeated over and over again, and watching it made my chest tight. I had seen most of these before, a few months after they had been made and I remember staying up all night watching them, glad that so many people were caring enough to make the videos.  
By the time the video is done, Dan’s crying and there's years in my eyes and I'm starting to think that this hurt more than helped, until Dan pulls me into a tight hug, whispering a small thank you as I wrap my arms around him as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! All of your comments and kudos make my day 100% better, so thanks to anyone who gave those!! Also, check me out on tumblr, I'm phailingphantaticly :)


	13. Filming and Cuddles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey guys!"  
> "Hello Internet!"

“Hey guys!”  
“Hello Internet!”  
“It's been a while since I gave you guys an update about Dan,” I start, glancing over at the younger boy, “and since he's here, I thought why not have Dan in the video this time?” I had sent out a tweet yesterday, asking for questions for me to answer, without mentioning that Dan was going to be in the video. I know that half the fandom is going to freak out when they see this, but I try to act as if we've been doing this for years.   
“Right, so Phil and I thought why not answer some questions right now, so let's get started!” He clicks and points to the camera, and I roll my eyes, pretending to be annoyed.   
“I'm editing that out.”   
He grins, and in that moment, he looks happier than I've seen him in ages.   
“Ready?” I ask him, placing a gentle hand on his back, and he nods hesitantly. Pulling in a deep breath, he fits a smile to his face and starts talking.   
“So, as you all probably know, I got into an accident a few years back. Phil told you all that I saw fine, but just wasn't going to be making videos anytime soon. The part about the videos was true, but I wasn't really okay after the accident.” He pauses for a moment and I rub a soothing hand over his back, calming him down best I can. I'm so proud of him for making this video, and I tell him so, eliciting a small smile from him.   
Glancing back at the camera, he continues. “In the accident, I hit my head and lost quite a few memories. When I woke up in the hospital, I didn't even know who Phil was.” He swallows hard, but keeps taking. “The last thing I remembered was a year before I met him, and I couldn't remember anything past that. Right?” He turns to look at me and I realize that I was totally making a “love eyes Lester” face.   
“Right.” I confirm, “it was really hard for the both of us during that time and for two years after that, everyday that Dan woke up, he didn't remember me.” Dan takes my hand below the camera and offers a small, but reassuring squeeze. “It's been years, but we're pretty sure that he's getting better now.” It's the first time either of us have said those words out loud and saying it makes it feel real. Almost like we're going to be okay.   
The rest of the videos recaps what has been going on recently, but I make sure to leave out some details that feel too personal. We both make it though with smiles on our faces and an unfailing optimism that's new for the both of us.   
“I don't know when I'll be back with another video,” Dan starts at the end, “but you'll probably get updates on Phil's channel. Plus maybe we'll do a live show in the future, you never know.” He smiles at the camera like he knows some secret that they don't and I roll my eyes.   
“Bye guys!” I say, reaching over to cover the camera and switching it off with my other hand.   
Falling back on the couch in silence, we both sit and stare and the camera, even though it's completely turned off.   
“I think that went okay.” I finally start, turning my head to look at Dan.   
He nods, giving me a bright smile and a small laugh. It sounds so happy and so Dan that for a moment I'm taken aback. Grinning, I sit up, leaning on my elbows. “Why the laugh?”  
The younger boy shakes his head. “‘Getting better’.” Is all he says, “I'm getting better.”  
••••  
That night, we continue our tradition of brushing our teeth together and I stay with him as he crawls under the blanket in his room. I switch on the amber lamp by his bedside, illuminating the room with a soft glows I sit on the end of his bed.   
Glancing around the room as Dan makes himself comfortable, I notice how different the room looks now compared to what it was like a few months or even years ago. It looks lives in now, with random shirts laying around along with a few books. The piano is no longer dusty and is played now almost every day and the newly used camera and tripod lean against a messy dresser.   
“What are you thinking about?” Dan’s voice breaks through my thought and I realize that he had been watching me. He cocks his head to the side adorably and I smile, leaning down to kiss his cheek.   
“I'm thinking that if you don't mind, I'll spend the entire night in here, for once.” At first, I'm hesitant to say the words, but the huge smile on the boy's face immediately makes my nerves disappear.   
“Seriously?” He asks, sitting up in bed. “Jesus, I thought you’d never get up the nerve to do it.” He smiles and pulls me into an awkward hug.  
I shrug, blushing slightly and grateful for the low lighting in the room to hide it. “I thought it would make you uncomfortable.” I say, and he laughs softly.  
“That’s not the reason, Phil, and you know it.” He kisses me firmly on the lips before shoving me off of him again, “Now go get dressed, I want cuddles.”  
“When did you get to demanding?” I ask him, but get up just the same and head to my room across the hall.   
I’m excited and nervous, my mind helpfully replaying the last time Dan and I spend the night together. He had woken up the same way as usual, meaning he and no idea who I was in the morning, which resulted in a very hard morning for the both of us. I don’t want that to repeat, and even though I’m almost completely positive that it won’t, I’m still nervous.  
“Phil!” Dan calls from across the hall, “Can you bring me the Totoro plushie?”  
I smile to myself, calling an affirmation as I finish getting dressed. Dan’s undeniable comfort in stuffed animals will forever be adorable to me.  
When I get back to Dan’s room, I hand him the toy and crawl under the blankets next to him. I don’t cuddle up next to him right away, figuring that I should let him come to me, but he rolls his eyes, putting Totoro to the side for the moment and curling up closer.  
I frown at him slightly, pretending to be indignant, “I brought you that plushie from all the way across the room, you’d better not just forget about it.”  
He giggles, “Shut up, Totoro’s for later, when I need something to cuddle.”  
“Am I not good enough?” I tease him further and receive a gently poke in the ribs from him.   
“Of course you are, but Totoro’s here just in case.”  
I smile, pulling the younger boy closer to my side. “He’s a strong opponent,” I say, pretending to glare at the toy behind Dan’s back. I’m doing everything I can right now, to keep the adorable smile on the boy’s face. “I’ll have to up my game.” I tighten my arm around his shoulders and press a kiss to the top of his head, earning myself a happy giggle that quickly turn into a yawn.  
“No you don’t.” He tells me seriously, “You’re already the winner.”  
I laugh quietly, “What a relief.” I bring my other hand up to run through his messy curls, knowing that the gesture will put the boy to sleep faster than anything. “Goodnight Dan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of the story approaches! This chapter me took ages to write, and my sister had to hold my gummy bear stash hostage until I posted something new. :P Thanks for reading and for all the lovely comments!! They make my day 158% better! :)


	14. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happily Ever After! (finally)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, ya'll!! Enjoy!  
> Also sorry it took so long. As you all know, I excel at procrastination. :)

THREE YEARS LATER  
“Phil, we’re going to be late!” Dan yells from the lounge. “The reservations are in half an hour!”  
“I’m coming!” I call back, frowning at the tie tangled up in my hands. “Damnit.” I struggle with it for a few more minutes before Dan gets impatient, poking his head into the bedroom that used to just be mine.  
“Phil, what the hell are you doing to take this long? If you’re trolling me I swear I’m going to hit you.” He looks amazing, as usual, and I can’t take my eyes off him.  
He’s wearing his white collared button up shirt with the gray moths printed on it and a black jacket over that. His hair is neatly combed and more than anything, I want to run my hands through it and mess it all up until I manage to get the hobbit hair back. He had started straightening it again a few years ago and no matter how much I tell him how much I love his curly hair, he won’t let his straightener go.  
Yanking the tie off, I turn to see the younger boy and rolling my eyes in annoyance. “The stupid tie keeps getting tangled.”  
He sighs, “Seriously, you’ve been tying ties all your life, how can you still manage to get it all tangled up?” He holds his hand out for the offending piece of fabric. “Let me do it, you spork.”  
I step closer to him and watch his face concentrating as his hands fly to fasten the knot in the tie.  
He’s tall, tall enough that I have to tilt my head up to kiss him on the lips and stand on my toes if I want to kiss his forehead.  
“There.” He stands back, admiring his handiwork for a moment before glancing over at me. “Anything else you’d like to do to make us even more late?”  
“Yep.” I lean forward to kiss him, effectively distracting him from hounding me to get out the door. I know that once I get Dan going, he won’t want to stop and frustrating the younger boy gives me a certain sense of satisfaction.  
The kiss gets heated fast, but I make sure to cut it off before we go too far, earning myself a frustrated whine from Dan as I pull away.  
“Philllll,” He complains, “Come on, that’s not fair.”  
“We’re going to be late, reservations, remember?” I move past him, heading out to the door to grab my shoes with him following dejectedly behind me.

When we get to the restaurant, Dan gets us our table, glancing at me uneasily and blushing when the waitress asks for ‘Dan and Phil Howell’.  
“I gave our names and then they asked for a last name and I panicked.” He smiles sheepishly when I slide an arm around his waist, kissing his cheek.  
“I don’t mind.” I tell him truthfully, and watch as he blushes deeper.  
The waitress returns and leads us to our table, handing us menus and leaving us with a smile.   
I’ve known Dan for about six years now, and not once have I misread his slight tells when he’s nervous. He’s not very good at hiding how he’s feeling, especially not from me and I notice his knee bouncing under the table, his fingers tapping on the edge of the chair and his eyes looking anywhere but at me.   
“Dan?” I ask, watching in amusement as he looks up at me, his eyes wide.   
“What?” He sounds defensive.   
“What's the matter?”  
He shakes his head, offering as smile hat looks as nervous as he sounds. “Nothing. I'm fine. What are you going to get?”  
I roll my eyes, going along with him on this new subject. “I don't know yet, everything looks good.”   
“Yeah, you do.”  
I watch as Dan's face flushes a deep scarlet, his eyes wide, and I laugh.   
“You do too.” I tell him honestly, “you look incredible.”  
He's still blushing but there's a huge smile on his face now as he buries his face on the menu before him. “The chicken looks good.”  
The rest of the meal is almost entirely uneventful save for me almost destroying Dan’s food when I knock my water glass over. Dan stays nervous throughout the entire meal, his knee bouncing and his eyes nervous, but he won’t tell me the reason why.  
I try to get it out of him multiple times, but he only brushes me off, saying that he’ll tell me later.   
And tell me he does.  
“I can’t eat anything else.” I tell him across the table, “I’m stuffed.”  
He smirks, gesturing to the approaching waitress who holds the dessert menus. “Are you sure?” He asks, and I groan.  
“No.”  
We end up ordering some chocolate cake sort of thing that the waitress assures me is good. I'm unsure I'll be able to eat anything else without exploding but Dan's still nervous.   
“Phil?” He asks quietly, and I look up to see him starting to stand up. He looks like he's about to pass out from nerves alone   
“Yeah, what's up?” I frown, “You alright?”  
Dan nods. “Phil I've only known you for three or four years that I can remember. Yes, I know it's kind of a short amount of time to wait to rush into things but I really really love you and I can't think of anyone whom I'd rather spend the rest of my life with.”  
“Dan…” I cover my mouth mouth my hand already feeling tears springing into my eyes but he holds up a hand.   
“Wait, please don't interrupt. If you stop me then I won't be able to keep going.”  
I nod, watching as he goes down on one knee next to my chair, holding one of my hands in both of his. “You've stuck with me through everything, through the good and bad, and I can't say how much I love you for that. I know it was hard and I'm still hard to be with but I know that we'll accomplish so much together.” He pulls in a deep breath, letting go of my hand as he reaches into the pocket of his jacket, his hands shaking as he pulls out a small black box.   
By now I've given up on holding the tears in and I'm nodding before he even opens the box and actually asks.   
“Phil Lester, it would mean the world to me and so much more if you would do me the honor of marrying me,” he opens the box to reveal a beautiful silver ring, “and becoming Phil Howell?”  
I can hardly see him through my tears and I'm laughing and nodding my head and repeating, “Yes, yes, yes!” I'm out of my chair, pulling the boy into a tight embrace and kissing him firmly on the lips.   
The restaurant around us bursts into applause and I blush, knowing that we both look like utter messes, but not actually caring.   
Dan is as far gone as I am, and his hands shake as he gently slides the ring onto my finger. It's so utterly overwhelming as I hug him again, kissing him and laughing and still partly crying.   
I remember years ago when I was the one asking Dan instead of the other way around. I remember him yelling, “Yes!” And kissing me right there and it's so much like how it is now, but completely different at the same time.   
“Dan.” I mumble into his shoulder and he pulls back, still smiling like, well like he had just gotten engaged.   
“Yeah?”  
“Dan and Phil Howell.” Is all I say and he kisses my forehead, something I normally hate as it makes me feel short but right now it's the best feeling in the world.   
“Yeah.” Is all he says, and it’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp! That's all folks!  
> Thank you so much to all of you who were reading this from the beginning and to anyone who jumped in halfway! Your comments and kudos made me so so so happy and made my day 174% better. :)  
> I hope you all enjoyed reading this fic, huzzah, I finally finished a chaptered one!   
> Come say hi on tumblr at, PhailingPhantastically :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!!  
> Comments and kudos are welcome, they make me very very happy!! :)  
> I have an idea for where this is headed, but there's nothing set in stone, so where this goes is as much of a surprise to me as it is to you!


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